I couldn't and I Had To..

Once I heard this guy whistle the Godfather tune while I sat in silence wondering how pointless life had become. As I heard him rise and fall, I slowly became a part of that effortless motion in which he brought the tune alive. The ease with which he delivered the music to my ears was not poetic, nor philosophical, just very real. In a moment of abandon, I let myself go and began to whistle, only to realize that I couldn’t and I had to.
Sitting in a coffee shop I heard two boys or maybe men discuss their next expedition to the jungles of Assam. As my friends spoke about our everyday lives, I heard of lives and tales I always wanted to live. They spoke of adventure and free will. I heard of a journey and self discovery. Looking around I saw the moment drift and I knew that this was what was in store. They got up and walked away and took my hope away. I let them go and I let it go. In the end I had to accept that I couldn’t do it. But I had to.
Turning to the last page of a book that had changed my life, I began to break down the author and his work like I did every other book. I questioned myself and answered those questions and argued to understand those answers. I closed the book and sat up to realize how I too had a story to tell. But how do I tell a story when I couldn’t figure out the plot of my life. Searching for that true story within me, I had lost a lot of the story of myself. I had over looked a few chapters and maybe never understood some of the characters. I never paused and told myself that the story I was looking for was always in me. I would sit and look at an empty screen with an empty mind, hoping it would all come in one sudden coherent burst. Then I realized that I wasn’t lacking a story, just inspiration. I pushed and searched my soul for it and couldn’t do it. But I had to.
I left many places sharing short but meaningful relations with each of them. I would search for happiness in each place and would define it differently everywhere. I always looked for the middle path. When I was in Jodhpur, I loved the place, when I was in Jabalpur, I loved my friends. I was the perfect adapter, I adapted so well and so fast that for some reason I detached that much faster. In me a strange fear of attachment was sown and even though I finally have begun to reattach to people and places, I still lack the ability to reconnect. While every place brings new meaning, I only look for an escape. In the bargain I treat everything else the same. I want to stop being a person I am not. I have tried but I couldn’t do it. But I had to.
Greetings to my soul that gave up long ago
A reminder coz I need to know
That no one can change me for who I am
So I need to stop caring a damn.

I shall not look behind and wonder
Just where I lost my inspiration, my destination or even her.
A new cause I shall find
Rejuvenate the heart and charge up my mind.



I will cry on my own shoulder
And become bolder
I will fire flares in the sky
And never stop to wonder why.

Tired of my own approach to life I had to change
It’s something that will now sound strange
Whatever maybe the bargain given to you
Don’t say I couldn’t, instead just tell yourself, I had to.

3 comments:

I will fire flares in the sky
And never stop to wonder why.


Whatever maybe the bargain given to you
Don’t say I couldn’t, instead just tell yourself, I had to

I did not understand these lines. Please explain...

want to stop being a person I am not. I have tried but I couldn’t do it. But I had to..

Does that mean you don't want to be yourself or you want to be yourself and you can't because of the people around you?

Nice read. Love to read your blog. If only you can write more often... :-(

just mean that i will neva stop dreamin (fire flares in the sky) and neva stop to wonder if wat i am doin is right or wrong..follow my heart.
and finally i mean that the person i hav become is not the person i want to be so i need to just learn all over again to be myself..
will write more bud..will shift back to worldly stuff after a lot of philosophy..:) expect a 'what is china really doing'? soon..watch this space.

hey nice blog, i liked it... it was a small roller coaster with every incident of yours taking me high and happy in the beginning only to get me down to reality at the end... i like the slow transition of light experiences to deeper thoughts... the poems at the end just add to the beauty and fits the article spot on... i kinda related to the 3rd story more, on reading books and wantin to cry your own thoughts out...

well, good blog, enjoyed reading it...

cheers..