I could really use a wish right now

I have recently been quite unhealthily obsessed with this one song called Airplanes. I cannot seem to get it out of my mind and after further inspection I have realized that the words somehow, unerringly, manage to capture my current mindset. Listen to the song and read the lyrics and you shall know what I was talking about. Also, I feel I need to come clean and pour out what has been an extremely difficult time for me. I will break down the past couple of weeks into stages that will explain how it all unfolded.

Stage 1 - The screws come off

I'm not sure how it all began and I wish I did because I would never let it happen again. But it crept up on me, tiptoed and quietly brushed me but I paid no attention. I was so sure I was on my way to conquering the world. As usual it hit when everything around me was just fighting to get better than it already was. Within a few days it was all gone. I had become sullen, heading towards stoicism not so much out of choice but due to conditioning. I stopped waking up with a smile, I stopped wanting to wake up, I just stopped wanting. The routine became so terribly predictable that it began to take a toll on my psyche. Nothing and no one could offer me solace or an option to break away. I would ride back at night from work with the same music, the same route, the same potholes and the same mistakes. Constantly holding back emotions and wishes to just scream out and run. Questioning why I had become like this and falling short of any answer that could closely suffice.

I had become my worst nightmare. Devoid of all things optimistic and cheerful. I had become the antithesis of myself. I could hear the creaking, alone in bed every night staring at the roof. The creaking got louder every night. It was the noise of the screws coming off..

Stage 2 -The 38th Parallel

I began to consistently absent myself  from myself. Reclusive, distant and cold. It became natural and then began a strange obsession. An obsession with the North Koreans. In them, their country and their very existence I found a sanctuary. A place where I would rest myself every night for a couple of hours understanding them and strangely relating. I told everyone else that this was just an educational pursuit but I guess they saw right through it but chose to let me handle it. I consistently began to drift away from reality. I would draw up maps and routes to get away. Make plans, laugh at them and then promise myself to go through with it. I felt I belonged on the other side of the 38th parallel, the line that divides Korea. I felt alone, a self imposed exile. I could not handle people, I did not want to handle noise and I surely was receding. I began to see that line and I continued to believe that I was in some terrible joke, stuck in Pyongyang in some desolate part of my mind. I could see the 38th Parallel and even though it was hazy it had begun to look real..

Stage 3 - Loss, pain and renewal

Then I started to lose it and in the process lost what I may never get back. Relationships, family, people and the belief that all will be okay had established themselves as myths in my mind. I started losing control on some and I just completely lost some. I forced my mind to open up and explain what was happening in there. I sprang up a couple of times only to be pushed back. I began to find my peace at work, I re-engaged but I couldn't do the same with life. I ploughed ahead and have now created a world where all roads lead to renewal. I still am constantly pulled down. I still can never get myself to believe that I can be the same guy again but then maybe I was meant to go through this to become the guy I have to become. Loss, pain and renewal bring with it lost dreams and hope. But unfortunately, the lost dreams will hurt the longest..

I stand and stare every night at the airplanes in the night sky and begin to wish. Wish that what I lost and what i'm losing stops and that hope finds me again.