2013, Come Gone!

So when I was much younger. Let’s give that a number. When I was 3. I would stand at the door of my uncle’s house and look at the guests leave and announce to the entire house, ‘PEOPLE COME GONE’. It was my simple way of saying, ‘Wow that was quick’ and it sounded really adorable from the mouth of a three year old me. Now, most of 2013 felt that way, especially the second half.

The first half of 2013 revealed a side of me that I have come to detest in me and in any person now. It is rather easy for me to feel that way and it is unfair to other people but then again I come from a vantage point on this and feel rather justified in my feelings. The first half was sluggish, emotionally annoying and was filled with very little optimism. The crappy part was that I had only myself to blame for this rather terrible downswing but in hindsight, it was only good because the months that followed played out like a high paced movie which married Hollywood’s slickness and Bollywood’s masala like never before. Well atleast that is what I tell myself.

June, saw me spending many days in front of mirrors and under showers wondering how I had allowed everything become so miserable and dreary. I used to love work but I was labouring through it now. I wasn’t connecting socially, I was barely social and I was content in this emotional quicksand. The strange part now is, I am not even sure if I decided to get my act together or my act decided to get itself together, if you know what I mean. Because suddenly from ‘crawl like a turtle’ I went to ‘fly like the wind’. The month of July took me to Mumbai, Meerut and Singapore and all of them included a personal debut. My first time compering a corporate event, my first North Indian wedding and my first time outside India. After those three weeks, I was a changed man. I just wasn’t going to allow me to ruin myself and since that moment on it feels like the old ‘me’ had COME GONE. Poof it was over.

Now, I just needed to do everything. Everything seemed exciting, everything seemed to symbolise the end of what it meant to be me and I liked that. Do you know the feeling when you feel yourself change? You don’t know if it is good for you or if you will lose the things people loved about you, but you don’t stop to care? It is a very liberating feeling. I did pause to think of how it would affect me in the long run but there was just no time. I decided to run again after a failed attempt to get my mind and body in sync back in March. This time I spent a lot of time reading, researching and structuring the rest of my life around the need to be fit. The food I ate, the amount I ate, my resistance to waking up in the morning, temptation to eat junk food, all of it had to change. This wasn’t going to be a half assed effort. And to infuse some seriousness into it, I threw in the small matter of a 10km run at the Wipro Chennai Marathon. I can quite easily submit that preparing for the run was one of the most satisfying two months of my life. I learned that there was another gear in me, both physically and mentally. I joined a gym, started eating untouchables like beetroot again and the discipline was actually addictive. The few days without it still make me nauseatic. Funny how the nausea of the first six months didn’t push me to change it all, shows there is much to be understood about the human psyche. The 1^st of December brought me a lovely overcast morning and 7000 other enthusiasts who had decided to change something about themselves. This truly was already a victory for me, to be running in the happiest place in Chennai that day. I surprised myself and many who were following and supporting me closely in the last two months by posting a rather decent time, but more than anything a part of me had changed forever when I crossed that finish line. Being a pathetic version of myself, allowing my circumstances to get the better of me and deciding not to change had all COME GONE now. I had outrun it all.

In the process of all this change I suddenly woke up with a rather weird feeling in the stomach, one morning late October. I woke up, washed my face and sat on my bed wondering what was on my mind. I had changed the way I processed the thoughts in my head. There weren’t large spaces of introspection, just a quick realisation and then action. This was one of those moments. It started a chain of events that some thought was quick and rash, some saw it as well considered and some are yet to completely comprehend. In the weeks that followed that day concluding on the 18^th of December, I had interviewed at a company that sells some of the funnest things in the country and hires about 60 people, I had quit my job and been offered what I can easily sum up as a dream job and I had decided to leave the city I loved to make the move across the border to Bangalore. Yes 2013 also signalled the end of my short but lovely time in Chennai with a move scheduled in mid-February. Till this day I am fascinated by the reactions I get from people when I tell them I’m moving. These reactions revolve around me leaving Chennai, the speed with which it happened and the company I am joining but what truly leaves me incredulous is at the conviction with which I concluded a thought that began that morning. It surely stemmed from a part of me that was fighting to be heard from long but the conviction surely arose from this new belief in me.  Belief that has surely COME but ain’t be GONE for some time now.

2013 will always remain a monumental year in my life. It involved travel, running, brilliant movies, (special mentions to Kai Po Che, Bhaag Milkha Bhaag, Ship of Theseus, Raanjhana and Lootera) realizing the meaning of true friendship and finding in me - a spirit. This spirit does not know what exact moment revived it but I sure do know that the resurrection has been strong, the long term impact is unknown but there is a part of me that is ready to overlook the consequences in pursuit of the result. From this have emanated some resolutions for the year, simple ones that I’m very excited about and have already begun to gently put in practice. I can rather happily report, that they are working but more on that later in the year.

But for my biggest fans however little in number you may be, my friends and family, I have completed the process of re-engineering myself (as my Whatsapp status has been declaring for rather long now) and I am in a zone of progression. I hope to see more of you this year, I hope to change perceptions everyday mostly for the better and hope to continue evolving and improving my version of myself. I can actually see ‘three year old me’ saying, ‘Som you sure COME GONE eh’.

2014, anyone?

What’s your 'entry song'?

Remember the good old days of WWF. The Rock and ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin kind, not the cute panda kind. That is still there. Right? Moving on..

While the WWF I loved has been replaced by WWE which is quite obviously fake unlike the good ol days when they actually fought, genuinely got angry and meant to do those stunts with all that anger and vigour. Okay maybe I am getting carried away and that’s why growing up sucks. Let’s leave that for another post. But either way, the one thing that hasn’t changed is the ‘entry song’. Remember that? Remember Triple H’s mean ‘I-will-beat-the-crap-out-of-you-and-then-spit-water-coz-its-cool’ entry song? Remember ‘Big Show’ coming on with the swagger of an elephant on dope. Ya well that was the shit. Those songs would electrify the crowds in the arena and get me super excited too especially when ‘Rock’ would come unexpectedly during a match and beat the crap outta some poor guy and get the hell out of there to the crazy adulation of his fans with me air ‘choke slamming’ my pillow to death.

Now that’s the power of an entry song. And I think we all need one.

An entry song is an announcement of your arrival. It could be at the beginning of your day, it could be when you walk into office or when you sit to take a dump or it could even be when you walk into gym. It’s that song that sets you free and makes you look at everyone around you and go, ‘Look at me bitches, I’m the real shit’ (Side note : That line translated in Tamil – damn funny!!). It is the song that reminds you of the part of you that you want yourself to be all day. It may not play on loud speakers in a stadium filled with people but it sure plays in your head waking up every bone in you and reminding you that getting your act together is the best orgasm you can give yourself. Ok, make that second best. Either way, an entry song that you play on your Ipod or phone which only you hear on your earphones allows you distinct anonymity especially for the ones who choose to have ‘Justborn’ Bieber or ‘Dicey’ Cyrus as their artist of choice. You see no one will ever know what you are hearing and you will just have that smug smile of a person ready to kill it.

We all aren’t built to motivate ourselves all day, we need props. We need the power of music or powerful imagery. Technology makes it freaking easy yet cumbersome to figure out that one perfect aid that will help you rev up those engines. So choose wisely and if it is embarrassing, don’t worry because the music, the artist or the words don’t matter, it is only the feeling that it gives you which gets you ready to kick ass every day that counts. The rest can stick to their motivational quotes for all I care.

And just for the record, this is my entry song.   

My Social Quotient

Recently I have been hearing a lot of people comment on social awkwardness, people’s (and sometimes ‘my own’) inability to socially relate and for some reason instantly equate that to a reducing ability to connect with the world. Here are some of the things I have been hearing about myself and comments directed at others:

You need to apply yourself more in a social gathering or you stick out like a sore thumb.

Embrace the hashtag. It is the only way to evolve (#ihatehashtags)

Till when can you continue ignoring the presence of people in your life?

Solitude makes you unhappy – Well it wasn’t framed exactly this way but after about 12 lines of gibberish it was all I could gather.

Now let me ensure you at the outset, I am no social outcast nor do I intend to be. I enjoy the company of people but yes I have become increasingly selective of who these people are and am constantly assessing the value they add to my life. Now some people would very quickly dismiss me as a snob and close the tab of my blog and decide to hate me a tad bit more from this day. But I pray you continue to read, maybe, just maybe there is something here for you too. I have begun to embrace the power of anonymity, not the kind that spews famous quotes with an ‘Anonymous’ at the end to heighten the mystery of the original contributor, but the kind that fulfills me. I believe that life is a sum of the conversations you have, the experiences you live and the moments that inspire you. The richer the three, the longer your life. Sounds good, right?

Well unfortunately in the quest for these I have to answer some pretty sticky questions. Like the ones above and others concerning my devotion and affiliation to people. The people who feel the need to question that instantly enter a self-defeating game where they are constantly reducing their value in my life themselves. I choose to stay away from those conversations as having to prove your value to someone in any terms other than time spent, meaningful conversations and subtle gestures is pointless. My argument being: is the person going out of his/her way to prove value to you, being selfless? Is that who you want in your life? The answer technically doesn’t matter. The value of a person should always be in your eyes, the moment it diminishes in the way you define it, you disconnect but to expect others to see the same definition too is tantamount to all the many beliefs forced upon people over the years.

Over the past half year I have seen an incredible growth in these beliefs of mine. And believe it or not, they haven’t happened by locking myself in a room as per popular perception but by choosing to limit my interactions and ensuring they are fruitful. Travel has been an amazing companion, so has my new Nexus Tab J but most importantly it has been a few friends who have had the maturity and innate ability to redefine the way I think, act and support me through these changes when I most needed them. They have accepted my flaws and embraced my quirks and allowed me to breathe. The last one year has taught me many lessons, some very cruel ones but all intended to ensure I reach this point in time and I can’t complain anymore.  

There have been more first this year than in all my life and also more lessons than ever before which has helped me define my idea of a ‘social quotient’.

At no point am I prescribing to alienate the people around you or in any way consider yourself different but to only embrace the idea of ‘you’. It is the person you live the longest with and the more battles you fight with yourself the more the wounds and the lesser the growth. Choosing what makes you a better person and more engaged in your relationships is a path I surely vouch for. I do realize that this post is bordering on the ‘self help’ dribble that is doled out every now and then but honestly how often do you get to change the way you perceive the life you are living and actually do something about it? We are living in exponentially non-personal times with the space you create for yourself constantly being broken by the social demands you bow down to. Cut through that because it is possible and then see if you really enjoy life that way and if you do then have the will to stand by it.

I constantly question myself everyday to understand what I’m doing better and this obsession drives me. From more digital and paperback pages to more miles on the road and treadmill to heavier weights in the weight room to even heavier emotions around me, everything is just a matter of defining your social boundaries. Once that is done suddenly everything begins to become so easy, just so freaking easy!

Now all of you stop imagining me in scary ‘self help guru’ avatar but just look around your life and see what can be changed. And if it’s fun and fulfilling, I’m ready to help and support you through it. 

Where the heart is..

In a conversation with a friend recently we were planning her trip to Bangalore. We spoke of lovely places to eat, gorgeous places to read and well, just places. At the end I reminded her that she must remember to come back to Chennai and she said, very nonchalantly, that well,  'that's where the heart is'.

A simple yet profound statement with so much weight in it I thought. Made me ponder as to where really is the heart. Is it in the place where your dreams begin? If yes then my heart is beating wildly in a lovely little town in Madhya Pradesh called Jabalpur. This was where it all began, my birth and many years later my first experiences with growing up and the delusions that come with age and time. This was the stage where a fifteen year old me was convinced that irrespective of how life treats me, I will beat it. I would kill for that optimism today but then again I always remember that it is the same me, or is it? Is that where my heart is?

Then again is your heart in the place where you first lost your heart? Well proverbially at least. Mangalore will always be my spiritual home. The place I became me or at least the ideal of me. It was also the stage of my first love for a woman, a city and also the idea of a 'home'. From creating a world of my own to treating any relationship with that place as an inheritance, I constantly find myself drawn to that place and it makes me wonder if in search for a bond, something tangible that I can call my own, have I left my heart there? Is that where my heart is?

Could my heart be beating for a dream? Nestled deep down in me is a dream, one that simmers but unfortunately doesn't burn yet. It consumes me every now and then but let's go so quickly without notice and without the inclination to push me to be what I truly want to be. I begin to feel that I'm cheating myself like all of us who refuse to live or even contemplate the realization of our dreams. In me lives a soul desperate to write, to capture every thought in my head, to discuss it with an audience, even an audience of one and create some thing special, some thing that will define me and the world I live in because I know that's where my true peace begins and ends. So then, is that where my heart is?

Is it with a relationship that could never be? Is it with a job that challenges yet doesn't fulfill me? Is it with an idea of loneliness and wonder that knocks on my door everyday? Or for like my friend above is it actually in this city, waiting for me to find my way?

A new idea of patriotism

Disclaimer : This idea isn't formed. I am not preaching and I am not hoping that anyone changes any existing opinion of their country or the people who fought for it's independence. Consider this as a troubled mind, thinking out aloud. Also do forgive my digressions and runaway thinking at times. It after all is patriotism that we are talking of here.

Rishi Kapoor, the acclaimed Indian actor in a recent interview promoting his movie ‘D-Day’ spoke about the changing idea of patriotism in this country and as depicted by Indian cinema. He spoke about many movies talking of the freedom struggle in the years around 1947 and the decade that followed. Gradually with the economy and development taking centre stage, the Green Revolution and its proponents (the farmers) became the hero and as Hindi cinema discovered color and more verve we also began to unite behind the one constant enemy, Pakistan, and saw many movies made about the wars fought against them. Some have adhered to the principles of exaggeration to the point of indigestion of the real facts but in totality managed to create the required patriotism in the hearts and minds of today's India. By summing up these eras he very succinctly ends it with how today’s India needs to stir up its patriotic concoction with ingredients like cross border terrorism, the likes of Dawood Ibrahim and Hafeez Saeed who finance and incite hate against India and the idea of fundamentalism in Pakistan that doesn’t allow peace and safety in India.

I must say I was sold. There really isn’t much we can say in the opposite. Yes, there is a proxy war being waged by Pakistan and well, there really isn’t a different way for them to play it. With the US and its allies pulling out of Afghanistan, the emphasis of the Pakistan Army has shifted considerably to their northern border, with an incensed and fast regenerating Taliban looking to avenge what they see as treason by Pakistan who joined US in their pointless war in Afghanistan. Their government is also grappling with a sticky situation in the border towns in the Xinjiang province in China with the firmly rooted Uighurs (Muslims) now being overcrowded and out thought by the Hans (of Chinese origin) for the sake of development of China (More here). And finally the battle with India for Kashmir which sometimes doesn’t even seem to be in the hands of the Pakistan government, with the ISI and groups like the LeT and the fast growing Tehreek-i-Taliban calling the shots. To top it off we have men like Dawood Ibrahim who conduct business in the name of chaos in India, all this with clear knowledge on both sides of the border of the exact address and whereabouts of Dawood in the city of Karachi. If you need to Google it, just type ‘Café Flo’.

We live in this world. We live with these apparent solutions to our problems and a trigger ready to be squeezed a moment away from each other. A lot of it is in the name of economic development, what with pipelines becoming political and elections becoming the motivation for peace. We actually have surrendered our ambitions and opinions to very little fact. Why do I say that? What is the connection between ambition and opinion with our geo-political situation, you ask? I wish I could say it is simple but it isn’t, but I shall anyhow endeavour to have you see it through my eyes.

Our ambition as a nation is limitless, but it isn’t necessarily congruent with our reality. Yes we boast of some of the largest businesses, entrepreneurs by the hordes, a supremely fast growing middle class and a tedious tendency to boast about our youth (more on that later). We have the ingredients, we just have to many recipes and more importantly we have no clue of the conditions required to attain the perfect broth. It’s a great concern when many of us wake up every morning, read the news about skirmishes on the border and resort to dialogue on peace and war and then go about our daily work with these opinions intact. That is where opinion meets our ambition. Our ambition is not independent of our opinion. We have been taught by free thinking Bengali poets and JNU mavericks that thinking and opinions are our birth right. Yes, they are but ignorance has no place here. We are in too precarious a place to be caught unawares, to not know the real picture. When we rejoice at the idea of economic reform in this country, do we ever question if this growth is inclusive? When poverty declined due to a redefinition of daily incomes of the people below the poverty line recently, did we for once look at the other factors that contributed to this remarkable decline? (Read more here). We balked at what seemed like a conspiracy and continued with our vacant opinions. We are cynical, yes we are cynical. We have every reason to be cynical. Cynicism can just be the solution for a country drowning in hate politics and relentless violence against the mind. But our cynicism seems to be stemming from ignorance. We seem to believe that nothing can happen in this country like there is a tested case study for it. Like the formula has been prescribed and that we have already got the variables wrong and it is opposed to any reversal. We are far from complete anarchy, we are also far from a solution. And the solution for geo-political, economic, social and political harmony of a nation with the most diverse population in the world, cannot possibly be easy right?

But what surely can be a step in that direction is matching that ambition, of a harmony between entities, with opinion that is steeped in fact. It needs to be enriched with facts, it needs to reek of knowledge of this country. It needs to become a bloody obsession! Not all of us are going to become ‘doers’ or ‘changers’, but we sure can all be ‘influencers’. We all wake up in different beds, some are just sheets on the floor, some are just mattresses on the floor and some are large comfortable beds. Yes, we then have different breakfasts, go to different jobs or institutions of education and have varied interactions in a day. These interactions range from the lack of money to survive a month to your next electronic purchase. We are the youth (I did say I will get back to this) and we have a duty to this nation. That duty may not be to join the Army or IAS or the Police Service all the time, many of us will continue to do that and continue to excel and disrupt this system of ours we often curse yet hold dear, but we have a larger duty than that. We owe this country a resolute idea of patriotism that doesn’t limit itself to hating Pakistan or waxing lyrical about how ‘guss ke un Chinese chinki ko udha dena chahiye’, we owe this country sense and a definite idea of what is its reality. We are living in an age when real opinions are available because the facts that will equip those opinions are available and I am not talking about that deranged Arnab Goswami losing the plot on TV every night. I am talking about independent blogs like that of a Pakistani journalist exposing the truth about his own country, about reading newspapers that don’t align with anyone but the truth and of opinions amongst our friends that are rooted in reality and fact.

We owe our nation a chance for change and that will only come when we decide that there is no place for empty opinions and that patriotism will only find a form and wield power if it is defined - and most importantly, informed! 

A Toast to 2012

Good bye! Thanks a ton! Good riddens!

But wait! Was it really that bad? Introspection, deep reflection and countless glasses of rum later, I begin to wonder if 2012 really was that bad a year? Let me look back at my year, my year of reckoning, discovery, loss, renewal and flickers of hope here and there.

The year began on a somber note for me when my aunt, who I have loved and admired all my life decided she needed a better place, then this world, to live in. She was always a true inspiration in just the way she conducted herself and her tenacity for many things in life. She doted on me and it was and still is tough to see her contact on my phone and not be able to dial her number. Makes me realize that you just can never have enough conversations with the people you love and I cringe at the thought that I didn’t call her more. She is surely in a better place now and she is quite probably tuning into her favorite TV show or cursing the plight of our society while she keeps a keen eye on me and hopes for the best for my life. You will always be missed.

For a year that started on such a low note, it did find it very tough to give me any highs. But seeing my beautiful niece go from being a couple of months old to a year old, will surely be the crowning glory of this year. Incredibly intelligent, naughty and cruelly cute, she has brought out a protective, quasi-fatherly side to me that I did not know existed. Now I understand when close family are so shocked every year to see me all grown up. I used to laugh at their incredulity but I’m very sure my niece will be doing the same when I look at her and tear up every time I see her. She is truly the apple of my eye and seeing her grow will undoubtedly be my favorite moments of 2013. That’s already guaranteed!

My love and appreciation for one of my most celebrated interests only strengthened this year. It began with Agneepath and was wrapped up quite tautly by Talaash. It wasn’t my favorite year of Bollywood but it surely was the year when I took it most seriously. I betted heavily on good content and I must say, I was let down a bit. But a few movies did sure warm the heart. Kahaani stunned me, Barfi wowed me but by far the movie of the year would, without a single iota of doubt be, Gangs of Wasseypur. A true classic and I fail to understand how that wasn’t our Oscar entry. The five hour, two part revenge saga was pretty much how I would like to define my life from this point. Watch it and you will know what I mean. This was also the year I discovered ‘The Secret in their eyes’, an Argentine thriller which is just beyond comparison. A movie that I urge you to watch just to understand how powerful cinema can truly be. Let Bollywood aspire for such heights this year and with possibly the most exciting February of movies lined up in my movie watching history, I cannot wait for 2013.

This also was the year of understanding love. It was warming, it was comforting, it was tiring, it gave me hope and encouragement, it made me feel all conquering, helped me realize what’s important and also was disappointing and outright shocking at times. I have seen my greatest lows and hit my most intoxicating highs this year and it’s all because of a few relationships that involved people very close to me. I’m ending the year with possibly my belief in love shaken, but not stirred. I have won some and possibly lost the most important one but I vow to continue fighting in 2013. Top of my list is to regain my love for the city of Chennai which has been an unsuspecting bystander in all my tribulations this year and has been blamed for most of it. In rediscovering my love for this city I believe lies the key to my renewal. As for relationships that seem to have gone out of my hand now, they need to know they will remain in the heart but my desire to fight back is at it’s strongest. So this is me hoping to be a better man who will be accepted better by people around him and this is me submitting myself to the greater conspiracies of the universe.

Finally, this was also the year of independence. My first full year standing on my own feet. My first year with my own transport independence – my first bike and car. This was also the year I took care of myself. This was the year my writing came into its own as for the first time I actually seem to have a plan for it and I hope 2013 will give me the right direction for my writing exploits. This was the year I decided to take control of my life and never let anyone or anything bring me to my knees. This was the year my career began to take serious shape and I truly believe I have a lot to prove and I have everything in place to do just that. 2012 will always be the year I decided to take control..

A huge thanks to everyone and everything who made this year brilliant. A special mention to killer roommates, my cozy family, all my friends –rich, fat, thin and the ones holding on tight. My cubicle mates, my zippy Activa, my smooth Indica, Old Monk and Bafat Pork, Flat 3A, Swedish House Mafia and Mumford & Sons, Manchester United, money in the bank, biryanis across Chennai and of course, the girl with the lovely voice. There were many others but I promise to add you in my Welcome to 2013 post J

Take care 2012 and yes, before I start drinking, Cheers!!     

Ranting over a Filter Kaapi

Welcome back to my world of rants. After I lost my cool over a Chicken Fried rice and blew my top over a Chicken Dindigul Biryani, I was hoping the world would allow me to kick back and enjoy my Filter Kaapi. But no… Oh no. All the usual suspects: Bollywood, politics, idiots on the road, the Republicans and the Brady Bunch. Ok the last one just helped complete that sentence in some sort of a conclusive way. But you are getting the drift and my Kaapi is going cold!!

Let’s begin with my favorite. Bollywood! I have immense respect for the late Mr. Yash Chopra and irrespective of him being alive or dead I can never get myself to speak a word against him because, simply, we owe a huge debt to the man for all that he has created. His latest Jab Tak Hain Jaan was surely flawed beyond repair but my angst isn’t against him. I’m not even angry at Shahrukh coz if you were disappointed with him, then I’m disappointed at you for expecting more from him. My angst, and at the risk of getting shot at a street corner in Triplicane, is at AR Rahman. I mean really man, have you given up? Did that Oscar kill ‘the bollywood’ in you? If we wanted Jatin-Lalit, we would have just gotten Jatin-Lalit, right? Please don’t torture us with your Hollywood and Tollywood rejects. We expect more from you, for crying out loud we have begun to expect more from Pritam too. Pritam!! They key word being, ‘expect’, let’s not take that and stamp it below that JBL headphones gifted to you by Mani Ratnam and some change from Danny Boyle.

Arrests because of posts on Facebook!! Have you guys even been following other posts on Facebook? Long before Thackeray decided to kick the living daylights out of that bucket being used to fill water for that toilet in Dharawi, there was enough and more shit on it. Have you seen a post that says, ‘ ZZZZZZ’!!?? That’s it, that’s what it says. ‘ZZZZZ!!’ Arrest that guy!! Couple of slaps and jail food will do his sleep some good. Two girls getting flustered about their own city in a state of Bandh because a man just died a death that was due to old age and possibly a lot of pent up rage, and that becomes wrong now!! Friends, Mumbaikars and you silly cops/party workers/AR Rahman, lend me your beers, coz you guys sure need some sense to be knocked into you. Get Facebook accounts and start poking each other and you will soon realize, that the only thing that needs arresting is your senses!! And before I close on this, I just have to salute Shreya Singhal, you are one brave girl. Google her!!

Slurrrpp. Now that’s how a Kaapi should roll.

I generally like to keep things domestic, but I just can’t resist this coz it really has irked me like none else. The Republicans. Yes yes I know, our politicians ain’t any better but we got freedom a little over 60 years ago. That in human years is maybe 12 or 13 at best, so we are still hitting puberty. So we can be granted the excited bursts of energy and the confusion over that facial hair and cracking voice but no excuses in the USA and their political party system. They easily are equivalent to a 50 year old grown up man who is ready for his second divorce and third affair. Basically, he has seen it all. Isn’t it time they act their age? To see a constantly bungling Mitt Romney was beyond hilarious. Always backtracking, never consistent and with smugness written all over his backside, or his face, whatever, it’s all the same. Obama too wasn’t really Gerard Butler in 300 but then again he spent an entire term cleaning up close to a trillion dollar deficit legacy left behind by the President Sesame Street elected, George Bush. So Romney had the burden of expectation on him, and man, did he deliver on the stand-up comedy with his international policy, especially the tickler on the West Bank issue. Republicans, wake up! Smell the Kaapi and please stop spending your free calling cards speaking to your counterparts at the BJP in India, they are 13 year old puberty stricken kids who are still wondering why everything goes weird down there when they see Didi or Amma walk by.

Now for some quickies, not the sexual kind.

Katrina, my love. I forgot you earlier. We know you have legs, we all have legs. Agreed ours may not be as watchable as yours but remember this, your legs can’t do the acting for you. That starts way up there. And we can figure that out over a cup of Kaapi sometime.

Who the hell gave Pervez Musharraf the permission to even enter India? Forget that, why are we paying him Indian Rupees to open his mouth and talk nonsense about us and the Indian Army. I’m sorry but this man waged an ISI backed war against our country while we were arranging the rose petals on our honeymoon night with Pakistan. I say we dump him in the backseat of a Tata Nano and ditch him over the Wagah border or maybe Siachen and allow those fundamentalists out there to have their share of Musharraf Sheek Kabab. Wake up Indian Government, broker peace with the guys who care for it.

Now to a favorite. Rahul Gandhi!! Why are you already mute? Haan. Ok let me repharse that, why are you already Manmohan Singh? Who is filling you with shit that ‘silence maketh the man’. No it ain’t, it just maketh you a dumb ass and yes ‘dumb’ has been used to make a point. We are waiting here, out of breath now, for your supposed youth to shine through. You make Romney seem smart, hell you make Rahman’s latest music sound good coz atleast it’s not mute. SPEAK UP!!

And finally I bought the following guys tickets to Jab Tak Hain Jaan with the following seating arrangement:

• Guy who made the movie ‘Innocence of Muslims’ right alongside a couple of guys I found on the streets of Beirut.  
• Rahul Gandhi just a seat away from Kareena Kapoor from Jab We Met
• Mitt Romney next to a rabid dog. Apparently they hit it off quite well!
• AR Rahman found a seat next to the 6 year old kid I saw at my guitar class the other day. He can really play the guitar now!
• And finally, last and surely not the least Pervez Musharraf next to a hungry Richard Parker.
• If you didn’t get the last one, you have to watch Life of Pi!! Back to Kaapi now..dammit its gone cold. Screw you Shahrukh Khan and don’t ask me why.