love undying

A liitle pepper, maybe a teaspoon and a half, a tinge of that atrocious chilli powder and a belief that what you are going to taste is a whiff of heaven. She dipped her hands into the strange concoction and and took a taste of that obnoxious mixture of pure delight. As she savoured her creation I saw heaven in her eyes, there was this sense of religion that spread like warmth in me. I had begun to believe in her wonder and I wanted to be a part of her. I didn’t want to standby and enjoy the view but feel a part of it. She had this strange sense of reality where all she wanted was some more fantasy. Her hands were still trembling as she ate her little meal. When she began to walk away from me the warmth seeped away and then with surgical precision I got my heart broken. Maybe 6 minutes later she had reached home as I sat in a lonely part of my house wondering if I had the courage to step up. I had a bit of her in me, love does that to you. I picked up the bowl she had left and slowly began to eat it. It sickened me but I was going to eat it because she had left it for me.

Her name was Sally and she was trying to kill me.  

Love is a tangible feeling. I have always touched it and its hurt me. Once she tried to burn the house down and I sat inside as my room was burning, my study table had a book with every thought I had ever had about Sally in it and I saw it burn. When I turned my head I saw Sally with her face pressed against the window looking at me. I had never loved her more. She wanted to hurt me and see me die a cruel death but maybe that was what I believed was love. I walked towards the window with all my sense of fear deserting me and in an unnecessary moment of madness I put out my hand to touch her and she just brushed it away threatening to cut my wrist.

I just wish she could see me bleed.

She had taken me up the nearby mountain for a picnic once. She then stood at the edge of the cliff and asked me to jump or she would. I stood and looked at her in disbelief as she threatened me. She edged nearer to the end and I was at a loss. She screamed and banged the ground with her feet and I had no choice. The thought of seeing her fall more than hitting the ground was what would have killed me. Or maybe it wouldn’t have but I ran past her and jumped. I had a moment of nirvana where I was airborne for 7 seconds and when I touched the ground, I knew no pain. I turned and looked up at her face which was so small in the distance and all she did was pick up a stone and throw it at me. That hurt me more than her hate for me. I needed to know I could survive this misery to reach my destination.

 Every once in a while my mind asked me questions I could never answer. It wanted to know why I had become a victim of this cruel fate. I had loved her for many years yet all that Sally saw in  me was an object of pure loath and disgust. I believed that here was a time she had loved, long before my mind could remind me of how it felt. Sally wasn’t an average girl. Her beauty spread around like a disease when she entered a room and it infected me everytime I felt her near me. I couldn’t even keep a photo of hers near me, because it soaked the life out of me. Mine was no conventional love and ours was no straightforward love story. I remember times I have sat up whole nights next to her bed watching her sleep and hoping the day would not come…

On a similar night like that I was enchanted into a slumber looking at her eyes and lips wildly tremble as she dreamt of something horrific. When I woke up she was screaming and she turned and saw me next to her. She became silent and ran her fingers across my face, down to my neck and the next second she was choking me and I caught hold of her hand and my eyes were pleading with her. She cried as she tried to strangle me but she couldn’t. I moved away and fell on the floor, while she just sat in bed wondering what had gone wrong. I slowly stood up to look at her only to see anguish and disgust like never before. I held her for sometime and I thought it was over but she pushed me away and looked around for something with which she could hurt me. She didn’t want to kill me now but just hurt me.

That night a man wept and so did his heart.

Sally never really was going to recover, she had gone way too deep to realize she was sinking and a part of me knew that I could never heal her. I was too selfish and my love too great I believed but I just couldn’t let her go and that was what was ruining her. I had to let go and I finally decided to do it. She was walking alone in the garden and I walked up beside her and let her see me but before she could hurt me, I kissed her on the cheek and signaled for a minute of her time. I saw the rage build up in her as I just looked into her eyes and inhaled her beauty like never before and finally told her that I would never meet her again. I could see her sister coming and I knew I had to go. I walked out of her life never to return still wishing I could have felt the pain of all the times she wanted to hurt me. Wishing she could actually kill me because that would have been a better death than the one I had had many years ago, when Sally loved me…