I couldn't and I Had To..

Once I heard this guy whistle the Godfather tune while I sat in silence wondering how pointless life had become. As I heard him rise and fall, I slowly became a part of that effortless motion in which he brought the tune alive. The ease with which he delivered the music to my ears was not poetic, nor philosophical, just very real. In a moment of abandon, I let myself go and began to whistle, only to realize that I couldn’t and I had to.
Sitting in a coffee shop I heard two boys or maybe men discuss their next expedition to the jungles of Assam. As my friends spoke about our everyday lives, I heard of lives and tales I always wanted to live. They spoke of adventure and free will. I heard of a journey and self discovery. Looking around I saw the moment drift and I knew that this was what was in store. They got up and walked away and took my hope away. I let them go and I let it go. In the end I had to accept that I couldn’t do it. But I had to.
Turning to the last page of a book that had changed my life, I began to break down the author and his work like I did every other book. I questioned myself and answered those questions and argued to understand those answers. I closed the book and sat up to realize how I too had a story to tell. But how do I tell a story when I couldn’t figure out the plot of my life. Searching for that true story within me, I had lost a lot of the story of myself. I had over looked a few chapters and maybe never understood some of the characters. I never paused and told myself that the story I was looking for was always in me. I would sit and look at an empty screen with an empty mind, hoping it would all come in one sudden coherent burst. Then I realized that I wasn’t lacking a story, just inspiration. I pushed and searched my soul for it and couldn’t do it. But I had to.
I left many places sharing short but meaningful relations with each of them. I would search for happiness in each place and would define it differently everywhere. I always looked for the middle path. When I was in Jodhpur, I loved the place, when I was in Jabalpur, I loved my friends. I was the perfect adapter, I adapted so well and so fast that for some reason I detached that much faster. In me a strange fear of attachment was sown and even though I finally have begun to reattach to people and places, I still lack the ability to reconnect. While every place brings new meaning, I only look for an escape. In the bargain I treat everything else the same. I want to stop being a person I am not. I have tried but I couldn’t do it. But I had to.
Greetings to my soul that gave up long ago
A reminder coz I need to know
That no one can change me for who I am
So I need to stop caring a damn.

I shall not look behind and wonder
Just where I lost my inspiration, my destination or even her.
A new cause I shall find
Rejuvenate the heart and charge up my mind.

I will cry on my own shoulder
And become bolder
I will fire flares in the sky
And never stop to wonder why.

Tired of my own approach to life I had to change
It’s something that will now sound strange
Whatever maybe the bargain given to you
Don’t say I couldn’t, instead just tell yourself, I had to.

18/10/09... a start

In a day that was meant for introspection and a greater realization I journeyed across various dimensions of myself. I saw and felt things that will maybe allow me to heal. In my room all day long I found more of myself than I would have in a conscious search for myself.

From a classroom with 5 rebels to a classroom of poets and a captain to the paradise which is hell, Bruges. To the final understanding of how companies budget to the privatization of the government and a rebirth of the spirit to discover. A renaissance of the mind is what my day gave me today. Contemplation was the theme and it began with what I thought was a decided path. Old friends and new taught me resistance, from the self and from the world I live in. The movies I watched today brought a great perspective to my life to think beyond what I believe are my great miseries. Old friends taught me new lessons and new ones showed me my old ways.

A paradigm shift in what is my understanding of myself is required so that I can overcome my frailties. There is just so much to explore and discover that it will be a shame if I let the world get the better of me. I will not be brought down by myself and I will not lay down my weapons. I have always limited myself to believe that I work a certain way but none of us do. We all like living in our well designed mirages, we reek of our past and it spreads in us like a parasite.

The MBA, the self discovery, the fight within, the fight with the ones I love, the fears, the compulsions, the strength to overcome, the playlist, the bookmark, the page waiting to be turned, the word waiting to be typed, the tears that never come, the smile that hides the tear, the pretence that all is fine, the music that keeps me alive, the time that bleeds away, the wait for a revival, the angst within, a need to break away…I know I can.
Time for me to begin living.