Ranting over a Chicken Fried Rice

Yes. I am not pleased with the world around me now. So I choose to rant like every responsible citizen of this democracy. I will rant about things afflicting me personally, connect that to something happening with the nation and blame people who have no bearing upon my personal life. After all a god almighty rant demands nothing less. So here goes:

First of all, what’s all the fuss about the new iPad? A lot of us can’t afford it so stop rubbing it in. And anyhow all Apple did was polish of the creases and wipe off the dust from the previous one, so stop hanging that white shiny carrot in front of me, it disturbs me while I buy chicken fried rice off the roadside.
Now Mr Sunil Mittal of Airtel, I swear on the aforementioned chicken fried rice, I will go all Gordon Gekko on you (that is create havoc for you in a smart, suave, investment banker avatar) if you don’t get your company’s act together. When you offer Broadband, DTH and mobile service – ensure that your employees know that they all belong to the same company. If one of your DTH guys come and wrecks my Broadband wires once more, I will take that disgraceful logo of yours and feed it to the first Vodafone looking pug I see. And don’t you dare tell me they are different entities within the same company. Draupadi was married to Arjuna but she belonged to the Pandavas, okay I don’t know how that makes sense but considering you keep sending me messages for reduced call rates to Europe when I have never called Europe, I’m sure you will find a connect.

Let’s now focus our attention on YouTube. Love the concept, love how it makes auto tuned Dhanush sound like the best new thing out of Chetpet but for God’s sake what is wrong with the comments section of this website. Why are people spewing such venom out there? A simple song from a new movie which has casted an extremely talented Pakistani actor, started of a war of words between two people about Kashmir. You jobless losers! Wake up, smell the chicken fried rice and shut up. We have our politicians to take care of all these banal conversation. Grow up guys, but then that will only make you 12 so what’s the point. And for all those people who say YouTube is so much fun because of the ‘comment wars’, please do use Google’s other great invention, Google Maps, to find your nearest shooting range and just take a walk around the target area. Mighty fun that will be.

How can I forget the powers to be in Tamil Nadu. On recent trips to Pondicherry and Bangalore I had the pleasure of walking into a wine shop without being shoved around, spat at or offered Old Monster instead of Old Monk. I walked into air conditioned wine shops with people who were buying their first drink of the night, not their 10th for the hour. I could browse and walk across sections dedicated to beer. It felt surreal. TASMACs are no fun, they are a small introduction to what life would have been for cavemen when they went to the neighborhood barter store. I mean come on, everyone wins if you make the alcohol easy for all to get. It would be a great complement to my steaming chicken fried rice.

Some quickies. The non sexual kind.

Rahul Gandhi – growing up doesn’t involve growing a beard, it’s all about growing some politician horns and getting those ballots in the box. I will only believe your vision for this country when you manage to park yourself in Manmohan’s currently idle seat.

Manmohan Singh!! Get pissed, jump, clap, scream, do something man. You can’t possibly let a bunch of clowns ruin that Oxford head of yours. You are going out and there is no doubt in hell that you are, so I say go out with a bang. Tell the Congress and your allies how they got together and wet the country’s pants and how they should have the spherical to take the blame and maybe, maybe, you just might get my vote of sympathy.

Tendulkar score that century already. Stop the press!!! He just did. Thank God. Time to let the floodgates open now.

Mamatha Banerjee and Mayawathi. You guys met before? No? Oh my my, you must. You will kill each other with your obnoxiousness and what I would give to see you both rip each other apart. Ah yes, I would give my plate of chicken fried rice.

KFC!! Improve that monostrosity of a Zinger of yours back to how it used to be. Remember the days it used to be delicious and people used to come to KFCs just to eat that. Oh wait you don’t remember that, because it was when Rahul Gandhi started growing his beard, a long long time ago.

I dare you Sonam Kapoor, oh I just dare you to act in another movie. I have spent around 1250 bucks on tickets and popcorn on you. Don’t make me come to Mumbai and make you accountable for each rupee. We work hard for our money, I mean previously my Dad used to but now I do too. It doesn’t come easily so please when your choosing your next role, let it be for a silent movie. It can win you an Oscar.

Phew. Time to get back to my chicken fried rice. To forget all that is wrong and miserable. To remember what really is good. Nothing like an almighty rant to get you going. Until the next rant…