Ranting over a Dindigul Biryani

So they say the sequel never lives up to the original. I say look at World War 2 or look at most second children. Always, way better. I, thus, rest my case. Now the need for this rant. Life has become way too predictable and the last rant was way too long ago. Monotony kills every 1 in 3 million ranters are the official stats from our government and that leads me perfectly on to my first rant.

So government of India. What up? Nice work on the petrol prices man. You just are so good at being bad. For god’s sake I read the Mint and I know you could have avoided that. But no you had to pick the night I ran out of petrol to jack up the prices. You had to create some kind of artificial shortage which ensured no petrol in Chennai for a couple of days. Was that your idea of a ‘go green’ initiative? Some idiotic dhoti clad moron decided that let’s show people what life will be without petrol. Ever wondered what life will be without our votes, or even better, our taxes? I dare you to jack up the prices again you 10th fail loser. I’m still deciding what I will do, but trust me it won’t be fun. I surely aint sharing my Dindigul biryani with you.

Shahid Kapur you continue to amaze me with your undying talent of being able to pick the worst movies. I sincerely urge you to run the next script you get through your driver. That’s all I’m asking for, just your driver. Not anyone else. That’s easy right. You ask why? Well, he has kept you alive after having every opportunity to hurt you beyond repair after the trash you have been putting out. I’m sure he loves you a lot. So, Shahid, driver. Please. You are a great actor and so sincere but after Mausam, Teri Meri  Kahaani and others my mind refuses to process, your sincerity makes me feel like you are Bhagat Singh fighting for Independence in 2012. Just pointless. So ya driver it is. Run along now.

What’s common between a target in a firing range and the guy who’s cell rings really loud with the worst music in office? That’s the right answer, they both are gonna get bloody shot!! It’s an office for god’s sake. An IT company, the most sterile environment after a cross species testing facility (and yes I saw the Amazing SpiderMan). Absolute silence and suddenly 'nakka mukka nakka mukka' . You demented cross between a shameless front seater in a cheap theatre and the worst thing that’s happened since Bappi Lahiri, why in the devil’s name do I need to hear that song every time someone remembers your pathetic existence. I’m honestly not the biggest on ethics and all that blah blah but I sure draw the line the day you change your ringtone to this. Really what are you thinking? This is a joke you crack in private with your friends who already think very little of you. Imagine this going off every 20 minutes. You just took the joy away from my Biryani, moron.

Now for a few quickies – the non sexual kind

Justin Bieber’s latest song is called ‘Boyfriend’. Finally!! The closet has been whammed open. I mean what a way to come out. I’m glad you decided to finally do us this favor coz a lot of people were taking special offense to jokes of you being called gay. Guess who the joke is on now? Ya it’s on you, you dimwit but well just coz you came out doesn’t mean you got any smarter. 

Now all you people on Facebook who put up those huge banners with quotable quotes and stuff. Really? You ever read them yourselves? Don’t they have this unbelievable stench of ‘cheesy’ all over it? Some of them I accept are clever or cute but the rest are just plain depressing. Guys if that’s gonna get you more likes and comments then trust me, things are looking bleak. Now put that on one of those banners of yours and click ‘Share’.

Finally who gave Sehwag the right to abuse Dhoni. A demi God for most of us. You really saying that he didn’t do much by becoming captain. The team was already mature I believe. How messed up are you man? You just recently learnt what captaining a team really involves and talking like you own this shit. Do not invoke the rage of the whole of India and Chennai. Mind it!

Well phew! Time to get back to my Dindigul biryani. The rest of you – rant away!!